a divine resource

what happens when you listen to your own energy

today i quit my job.

today i quit my job.

i had to write it once more in bold because today i quit my job. !!

more specifically, i gave my two week notice. i am not leaving my current job for another one, nor do i have a guaranteed source of income. i haven’t done any interviews, and i certainly haven’t saved X amount of dollars, beyond the money i already have, in preparation for this departure. i haven’t really done anything you’re “supposed” to do in a situation like this. truth be told, a situation like this isn’t even something you’re “supposed” to do in the first place.

but alas. here i am. swimming in the abyss of what not to dos; the more me i unearth, the more familiar it becomes.

what do i mean by that? mostly that my truths seem to exist outside of normal constructs. that my beliefs and desires and sometimes even my needs are deemed unrealistic, irrational, or, most notably,

“not the way the world works”. 

not the way the world works. i’ve crashed up against that shore my entire life. the one that tries to tell me how everything is supposed to be. the world, other people, me. it’s so trite at this point.

also, i’m not entirely sure the way the world works has actually been working, but that’s another topic for another day. i digress. 

i came to this decision to quit my job somewhat suddenly, in a two day period, over the weekend actually, but it is also something i’ve been brushing up against for my entire employable adult life. it’s just that my current job was the container that finally allowed me to explore every nook and cranny of the relationship i have with work, what IS work, what it means to have a job, to work for someone else, how to make money, how to follow the rules, why would i want to follow the rules, how to forget you’re human for the sake of numbers, how to be reduced to the amount of money you cost the company when you take a bathroom break, what does it mean to have a schedule a routine some structure, how do i know if that’s good for me, how long can i continue to ignore the fact that none of this works for me and all of it feels like insanity to my soul that is being crushed, is this all worth two weeks of paid vacation per year and a free coffee mug with some stickers (when i have good attendance), is this really how i want to spend my life? my time? is the way i exist in this container really how and who and what i want to be? and is that really, on a deep soul level, how and who and what i am?

and here are the big questions that keeps begging for - insisting on- my answers, that mercilessly returns to my consciousness over and over and over again until i live out the answer’s (answers’) truth:

what if you shift your awareness to viewing your energy as your primary resource rather than money? because money is why we all have jobs, is it not? but on what are you spending your energy? where are you investing it with no return? when you feel exhausted, are you satisfied with how you used your energy or are you deflated, empty, violated, resentful, disappointed - left as a husk of a human being?

if you’re familiar with human design you’re probably saying “god, she sounds just like a Generator right now”, to which you would be correct. i also have a 1/3 profile, so i’ve even more exposed myself. hello.

but we are all energetic beings. energy is our signature, our frequency, our essence, our currency.

so when i was talking to my roommate/dear friend/a beautiful moon about all of this and she said “it’s just money” about money, i thanked the universe for this miracle. it IS just money. and money isn’t real. but ENERGY???? energy is real. it’s everything. it’s measurable. it’s exchangeable, transmutable. it is scientifically revered.

ENERGY IS OUR PRIMARY RESOURCE. ENERGY IS OUR PRIMARY RESOURCE. ENERGY IS OUR PRIMARY RESOURCE. ENERGY IS OUR PRIMARY RESOURCE. ENERGY IS OUR PRIMARY RESOURCE. ENERGY IS OUR PRIMARY RESOURCE. ENERGY IS OUR PRIMARY RESOURCE. ENERGY IS OUR PRIMARY RESOURCE. 

my energy is valuable. it is full of worth. it brings a lot to the table. it is capable. divine.
i am valuable. i am full of worth. i bring a lot to the table. i am capable. divine.

WHY? why would i continue to devote my energy to anything or anyone that does not hold my energy in the same vein? that does not honor my divine resource? why would i, me, myself, continue to not honor my divine resource?

so these are all of the things that i’ve been in a sweet dance with, welcome.

during this exploration of my energy and how i use it is taking place, i got covid. i stayed home from work for two weeks over thanksgiving. i once again became ill over the new year - not covid but it doesn’t matter what any of it was aside from those collective three weeks being dynamic portals in to my heart and soul that illuminated every way i had been abandoning my self. i was led in to my heart to learn i had abandoned my heart. and why does it always take me getting sick to realize it? infact while i had covid, i received the message over and over and over again:

surrender to your heart.
surrender to your heart.
surrender to your heart.
surrender to your heart.

and as i did, i kept hearing the same thing. i kept hearing my self say “i can’t live my life this way.” and i knew exactly what i meant.

we always do though, don’t we? know? we always know. we always know the truth in the deepest core of our body. often the kind of truth we don’t want in some way; we don’t want to face it, say it, act on it, own it, accept it. hurt people, hurt ourselves, experience loss, accept a reality, destroy one, feel something. something we don’t want to feel, feel something because we made others feel things they didn’t want to feel.

god, we are such complex and such simple creatures always at the same time and i really have such a love for the ways in which our knowing can, in a split second, consist of every thought and nuance of consideration of everything i listed above and also have the ability, if we are willing, to just let it all go.

to surrender.

and one of the hardest things for me to surrender all of my ego to has been that for my entire 35 year existence, i haven’t been able to make my self fit in to anything that requires me to forget my self in order to meet someone else where they need to be met in order to be capable of loving me. i continually try to fit my self in to containers that don’t take in to consideration what is contained within me.

[i read that paragraph over and over again, with a tear falling down my cheek as my heart swells with grief, unconditional love, and hope. what a miracle we live to feel so much]

contained within me are beliefs that are radically different from my family of origin. many beliefs are radically different from the societal collective. i have forever felt like i’ve been standing on the outside looking in.

@karoline.hjorth

not in an “i’m an outsider, woe is me” kind of way. but as more of an observer. as someone with investigative tendencies and an ever questioning mind and body and soul. like i exist to ask questions. to find the truth. one of my favorite quotes is from a show called Devs that i watched with my ex boyfriend during the pandemic’s initial quarantine. 

“ask questions. just go with it. it’s a way of explaining.”

the more questions i ask about the status quo, the familial belief systems, the societal paradigms and unwritten/unsigned agreements, “the way the world works”, the more i  realize i’m not outside of any of it. not at all. the more i realize i am to steep my self even deeper in to it, to be amongst it, if i am to understand better none other than my self. while the belief systems and structures and i don’t align, i strengthen my edges by brushing up again them. there is a clearer boundary between me and it. not by running away, but by really measuring my self in relation to it.

so no. i don’t believe we all have to work 40 hour per week jobs. i don’t believe it’s crazy anymore to quit a job without having something lined up. i don’t believe we have to grind, force, or constantly be working toward something. i believe in rest, and that it can be one of the most productive things we may ever do for our selves. i believe the universe always provides. i believe you can jump off a cliff into infinite possibility and unknowns and land in complete abundance. i believe that alignment, surrendering to your heart, and self worth [and all of the inner work that comes along with it] will bring in money, support, and abundance. i believe that resting, and building up your energy resources, is abundance. i believe that whatever your heart calls out to you again and again and again is worth your time, energy, attention, and focus. i believe that right here, right now, i have everything i need.

what i’m up to

1. field notes - i’ve recommitted to one of my favorite writing practices, amongst many. this newsletter carried me through my years of being a business owner. i loved the long format writing (obviously) as well as the interaction i often got from readers. if you are a reader and would like to interact, comment, converse, question, challenge, or celebrate any of my words, please do respond any time.

   
   this newsletter is a free offering but there is a $5 per month paid subscription option as well. so if you love what you read, consider supporting my work. i love having you here either way.

2. coaching - i am returning to one on one psychospiritual coaching work! it is the thing i continue to come back to over and over again, aside from writing, when I think about what I really dream of doing. how I really dream of spending my energy. and i’m damn good at it. my almost year long sabbatical really showed me how much i bring to the table, and how important it is to act like it. it is meaningful, passionate, and magical work for me. and having been through several awakenings, liminal spaces, and continual transformation, i’m really skilled at guiding others through massive, deep, potent change. i love this work with my whole being.
   
   i’m almost finished with my website. until then, i have a scheduling page for people who want to work with me. right now i have evening hours only but beginning the las week of January i’ll have morning and afternoon hours as well.  my Instagram is a great landing page as well that showcases a lot of who i am.

3. continue to build - i have so much new creative energy surging through me now that I have all of this space freed up. i’m working on a workshop all about creating a treasure map for identifying how your divine messages come through for you, what magic looks like for you, how it shows up in your life, and your patterns of manifestation. i’m also working on bring my podcast back to life and focusing alot more on writing. i’m just really excited about creating to create. yes, to also sustain me financially, but also and most importantly because it feels good to me. it is how i want to spend my energy.

4. presence - I fully intend to use my new found freedom in time and energy to play. to be outside. to walk my dog. to ride my back bike. to read. to maybe learn to ski. to be more with the people i love. to delight in the structure that i build for my day; a structure that is built around what i need, not what others (a “boss”) expect.

so, that’s that. five more sleeps and then i’ll be self employed again. an entrepreneur. but always an artist, alchemist, scientist, magician. a creative. a big kid in an adult body. a pleasure seeker. dreamer. defiant and true. a developer of a consciousness of being rather than doing. it is all such a wonderful game. i’m so grateful.

tallyho, adventurers. may you swim out of the shallows and a bit deeper in to the what not to dos. i’ll meet you there. you’ll meet you there, too. what a delight.

<3 jenny