I just really like it.
and other reasons i do the things i do
Last night I sat down with my journal and wrote “social media art is still art.” Mostly because my creativity has been pouring out of me lately and I keep judging my self for putting some of it on social media. I keep judging my self for sharing. Why can’t the art just be for me? Why am I always seeking validation? Why do I need to be seen amongst an endless, infinite sea of other creators? Am I just creating because my social media feeds are filled with creators and artists, therefore I think I have to create? To keep up? Am I in an imaginary race with people on the internet that don’t even know I exist?
It’s exhausting sometimes being this self proclaimed researcher, always seeking and asking questions. Always trying to get to the root of literally everything. Sometimes it just feels like a distraction. In some instances, if I keep asking questions about something before I do it, I’ll never have to actually do it. For as many ways as my curious and inquisitive nature has served me in relationships and careers, maybe asking questions can also serve as a protective mechanism for me. Some sort of buffer that holds a separation between what my heart consistently dreams of and my head continually squashes.
I also wrote in my journal "it is ok to hate social media” and on the very next line right below it I wrote “it is ok to like social media” and on the line below that I wrote “it’s ok for your relationship with social media to ebb and flow like the water on your favorite shore.”
Asking questions to uncover truth is an endless spiral with no real point of arrival. And because of that, the relationship to and boundaries around whatever I am questioning will continually evolve and shift.
Right now, I create and write and make art because I like it. Not because I think it’s my purpose or my calling or because I’m desperately clinging to the idea that it will save me from something like a 9-5 job.
I just really like it.
I like how it makes me feel. I like what I create. I like what I write. I like how I capture things through photographs. It brings me joy. Pride. A sense of feeling creatively expressed. It makes my heart feel expansive, and seen by none other than my own adoring self.
I was chatting with a friend the other day and she said something that profoundly affected me. I had expressed that I feared that me continuing down a path of getting a corporate job was a sign of self abandonment. That I’m “giving in” to a lot of societal structures where I don’t feel like I fit. I really miss being an entrepreneur and the creativity that comes a long with it and I fear that I am just taking the most societally acceptable route to financial security and getting my needs met by going down the corporate path. That I’m questioning if this is all really “me”. If it’s the “right” thing.
She told me that sometimes creative people need breaks. That creativity takes a lot of energy, and I had been a creative entrepreneur for a decade. Not only was I creating art and marketing and newsletters and running a business, I was also serving people at the same time as a bodyworker and coach. It required a lot of me.
And maybe getting a corporate job where I’ll make lots of money and have paid vacations and benefits and a routine with a consistent schedule will offer me a kind of rest I have not had access to really ever. And that it doesn’t have to be a forever thing, it can just be a right now thing. And, as I am very close to engaging in work that has to do with business consulting, coaching, and scaling, maybe there is something for me to learn in this space that I will get to take with me in to my next creative entrepreneurship venture. And, I mean, wow. She’s right. About all of it.
But think of all that rest. The REST.
As I was journaling last night, the question came through: can you revel in the space you’ve been trusted with your presence?
It feels like an invitation to open even more to where life has placed me. I find my self amidst more change and though it is not what I had envisioned for my self, the essence of what I was trying to manifest in said vision likely exists in this space because I know that everything I want and need arrives in ways I least expect. It invites me deeper in to trusting the timing of my life.
Amidst these invitations and changes I find a quietness. A lot of space that sometimes feels like emptiness. But what I have come to believe is that the emptiness I sometimes feel is actually just room for more abundance, potential, and possibility. It is not an abandonment of self, but rather a welcoming of more self to come through.
For the first time in over ten years, I am creating just to create. There is no attachment to how much money it will make me, how many new clients it will generate, how it will save me from having to get “a real job.” I can suddenly hold the lightness of new truths that feel so freeing and expansive and full of rest.
Social media art is still art.
Art and resources for creating art are abundantly available.
It is ok to want to create and share.
Art beings me joy.
It is ok to create just to create.
It is ok to do things simply because I like it.
To like something is enough.
It doesn’t have to be my purpose or my calling, but my purpose is to tell the truth of who I am and creative expression is part of that.
My joy is worthy.
My joy is enough.
My heart knows the way.
It brings me joy to create.
To create brings me joy.
I am committed to my joy, to my heart.
My creativity matters.
Sometimes I create and do alot, and sometimes I rest.
I allow my creativity to take up space.
I give my creative self a seat in the room.
There are no rules. Put it out there. Set it free. Let it feel weird.
Let it feel weird.
Tallyho,
Jenny