Illusions
1998
When I was 11 years old, my mom called my sister and me into the living room and told us that she and my dad were getting a divorce. All I can remember is sobbing into my mother’s chest, while also thinking about how I am just like all of my friends now. Friends who have parents with different households and custody arrangements, two Christmases, two pairs of siblings, two sets of clothes, two of everything. Maybe this would mean I’d have two cats and two hamsters. That would be kind of cool.
I was rationalizing with my self during what was a major tower moment, and also a moment of fitting in. One of life’s many weird paradoxes.
Later that evening my dad came home from wherever he was and I ran into my bedroom before he could see me. I pretended to sleep, turning away from him and facing the wall while he sat next to me on my twin day bed, petting my head. He must have known I was pretending, because I remember him speaking to me, though I have no recollection of what he said. My parents planned for him to be out of the house when my mom told us, for whatever reason, so he knew by the time he got home that the truth was out there.
All I remember from that moment was me shutting down. I didn’t hear anything he said. I didn’t receive any of it. I remember what it felt like. I remember it feeling vulnerable, open, connective, loving, and like everything every daughter would want to hear from her father in such a moment. But it was too much for me. I couldn’t deal with both the intensity of his open heart and also the thought of losing him. So I completely shut my self from feeling all together.
I went on with the rest of my life thinking my father was emotionally unavailable. I dated men who were emotionally unavailable. I did tons of work in therapy around what I thought were “daddy issues”. I labeled myself someone who has issues with men because of her divorced parents. Because her dad left.
My dad, interestingly enough, was always fully present in my life. We saw him every Tuesday and every other weekend growing up. We alternated holidays between our parents and spent birthdays and Father’s Day together. He showed up to every parent teacher conference, play, sporting event (though these were few and far between for my sister and me), etc. He always told me I could be anything I want to be, and do anything I want to do. We shared our love for photography and drawing and the outdoors. He initiated telling us he loved us every time we saw him; something our family never did prior to the divorce.
He was and has been the only person in my family who I felt like ever really saw or heard me. Though I struggled to receive him, he always accepted me.
He was by no means perfect, as none of us are, but his actions and the way his words matched made it clear that while he may have left my mom, he never intended to, nor did he ever, actually leave my sister or me.
I’d like to say I’ve been slowly unraveling my “daddy issues” over the course of my life, but what I was really doing was feeding in to my own distraction from the real issue. A distraction from the fact that I was the one who was emotionally unavailable. Not my dad.
Beliefs Take Root
I wrote the story that my dad was emotionally unavailable to protect my self from the fact that I was suddenly incapable of receiving love from the most important masculine presence in my life. This experience created an unconscious belief system in me that if I didn’t let love in, I had nothing to lose. I felt like I just lost my dad, and my family as I knew it, so my nervous system adjusted to my belief system to energetically protect me from ever experiencing loss again. But in doing so, I became incapable of receiving more than just love. I also struggled with money.
I didn’t understand this until my friend Tally said to me that money is just unconditional love. Lightbulb moment. All of a sudden my entire life made sense to me.
Through my perceived lack of love and money, I adopted an unconscious belief system that I wasn’t worthy. Because I struggled financially and because of my not so great relationships with men/love, I began to believe I must not be worthy of love or money if it wasn’t showing up in my reality, at least not how I wanted it to. That I had to earn it. That it required hard work. That I wasn’t innately deserving.
These revelations are huge shifts to my foundation. To realize that my reality was only responding to a few core beliefs that were not based in truth. That it was me all along. It wasn’t that I was unworthy or undeserving or unlovable. It was that I thought I was. I constructed a reality based in illusions. Illusions that I thought protected me so that I could establish some sense of security in my made up world. Some sense of security based on who I thought I was, or perhaps who I thought others were. Or who I constructed them to be in my scared, traumatized state of being. Anything to protect the illusions we’ve created to protect our perceived self.
Everything now feels like an opening. As I remember my innate worthiness and lovability, and the complete lack of conditions that exist around either, as I remember my dad for who he is not who I made him out to be, I feel free. In releasing him, I set my self free. That is true love.
The parent I always wished I had was always right in front of me.
I believe with my entire being that we can write new stories in old spaces, about anything, about any point in our personal history, at any point in our lives. That the death of an illusion is a gift. That the act of letting go of what we hold on to for safety is nothing compared to what exists on the other side. That we must always examine and question what we believe to be true about our reality. That there is a humanity that exists beyond the identity we construct about others in our minds. That we are all just hurt little kids in adult bodies trying be seen and heard and loved and accepted and that we can begin seeing and hearing and loving and accepting ourselves, and in turn each other, at any time.
I love you.
Akashic Record Readings
I’m really excited to share that I am opening up my schedule again for Akashic Record readings.
The Akashic Record is like an infinite filing system in the Universe that contains every thought, emotion, belief, energy, relationship, or event your soul has ever or will ever experience in all of its lifetimes.
Opening your Record allows me to channel information and guidance from your guides, my guides, the Universe, the Earth, loved ones who’ve passed, ascended masters, and whoever/whatever else decides to show up for your highest good.
It is a magical and infinitely supportive space. Sessions are 60-75 minutes long, $100, and done over the phone. It’s an incredibly open and conversational experience, so there is lots of room for possibility and potential.
These sessions are great if you’ve desired guidance or direction in a particular area of your life, if you’ve felt stuck in some way, if you’re wanting to make a change in your life/relationships/career, if you’ve had difficulty making decisions about something, or if you generally wish to connect with your guidance team about where you’re currently at on your path.
If you’d like to schedule a session, please do so by responding to this!
Here is what some have shared about their experience of us being in their Record together:
“I asked Jenny for a reading of my records as I entered into, what I felt to be, an important portal in my life to hopefully gain some clarity or affirmation. She helped me find just that through channeling heavy symbolism that I instantly recognized and instruction on how to continue to clear what doesn’t serve. After taking the advice of the dancing frog that came through, I can confirm her channeling was aligned with me and my guides. I recommend Jenny 10/10.” -Kaleigh
“My akashic record reading with Jenny was super cool! I am amazed by the magic that can happen when two people come together, open their hearts and minds, and trust the space.
Trust is the overwhelming sense I had from beginning to end. I sensed Jenny's trust in this practice and in herself. I know her inherent honesty which no doubt supports her in this. I can imagine this was the base that led me to trust what questions and intuition came through myself.
It was an intimate experience that brought forth a powerful force of recall from some part of myself that I have not known in this lifetime. Together we tapped into it and both felt the flood of healing energy that my soul was longing for me to know.
Like I said, super cool. I will not forget this experience we shared and I'm grateful to Jenny for opening the door.” -Brooke
“I received two timely messages through the clear and open channel that is Jenny Bremer. Our session continues to unfold in support of my current journey and I’m grateful for the images, words, and ancestors who came through and are serving as touchstones as I move forward from here. I wish I could download the images, feelings, and sensations because it was rich and colorful and vibrant even more than words can convey.” -Inger
Tallyho friends,
Jenny