Putting Your Self on a Path
decisions as bricks
Commitment
Decisions scare me. And for as long as I can remember, I’ve always been called indecisive. Wishy washy. A waffler. It seems every day I make a decision only to wake up the following morning convinced I made the wrong one.
For most of my life I blamed astrology. I was born a Libra who can see and understand infinite perspectives. I can see every time line. In some ways, the stars made me this way. I was also born into a family where my role was to be the mediator and peacemaker. Being the bridge between multiple points is a role I’ve loathed in the exploration of my trauma, valued in my role as a coach, and appreciated with curiosity as an evolving human.
However as a self aware person, I can only hide behind the guise of astrology and trauma for so long. I can remain victim to it, or expand beyond its edges of familiarity. Beyond its seemingly protective shell. I can accept my roll as a bridge and the power it invokes.
Interestingly I’ve made a lot of decisions in my life with an almost obnoxious amount of conviction. With unwavering belief in my ability to choose and unwavering belief in what it was that I was choosing. What was different about those decisions for me? What was it about who I had to be to step in to those decisions that made me so sure that was the direction I wanted to go? How did I commit?
My dad says that in decision making, we actually commit to something before making any decisions about it. I always thought we decide something, and then commit to following through. He says that the decision is an infinite process. Committing is the easy part, or easier, but trusting your self to choose what you’ve committed to is a moment to moment practice.
In some ways that feels like a “what came first, the chicken or the egg?” conversation. But in other ways blasts me wide open. When I walk toward that opening, I realize my depth of commitment. I’m truly committed to so many things. I am committed to living in Northern Michigan. I am committed to this newsletter and making sure my dog is fed, watered, and walked everyday. I am committed to taking my supplements everyday and my exercise and my daily practices that center me. I am committed to creating and nurturing healthy relationships and creativity and being in nature and asking questions and cultivating joy and beauty in my life. Creating a life where I feel free. These are all things I consciously make decisions about every single day, often multiple times.
I also feel deeply committed to things that are not as present in my life. The things I dream of but have yet to manifest in my reality. A custom built home on lake front property. Nomadic living; the snowbird life. A lot of money. A romantic partner. Being in Northern Michigan is awakening versions of me who dreams of improv classes and singing lessons and pottery wheel throwing classes and tap dance lessons; things I did in my youth that I stuffed away as I “became an adult”, whatever that means.
My commitments are endless with an abundance of possibility, opportunity, and potential.
Decisions
And yet, decisions can paralyze me.
Will I make the right one? What if I make the wrong decision and miss out on something? What does any one decision mean about me? What if I make the wrong decision and run out of time to do everything I want to do? What if I keep making the wrong decisions and waste my life?
I guess the belief that you can make a wrong decision has to be there. So I asked my self, and the answer surprised me. I realized that I had the subconscious belief that because the Universe has been ravenously redirecting me over the last couple of years, removing things and people from my life, forcing me to recreate my self over and over and over again, I must have been doing something wrong for most of my life leading up to this great recreation of my self. That my decision making capabilities were poor. That I make bad decisions. And because I have the belief that I make bad decisions, I can not trust my self to make good ones. The Universe can’t trust me, either. For all of the times I’ve felt I’ve had to surrender control in my life, I must be viewed in the eyes of God as incapable.
There is a powerlessness I’ve felt wash over my life the last couple of years. Like I’ve been at the will of the Universe. Like I have no say in what goes on. Moving to Northern Michigan was the first choice I really feel like I’ve gotten to make for my self in a long time that brought me joy. A dream fulfilled. I hesitated to tell people though. I figured it would fall through because, again, I don’t make good decisions. Why would it work out? Another fork in the road; am I the victim or the bridge?
I have come in to the belief that there are no wrong decisions. That every one of them is right because even if it seems wrong, I’m still closer to where I want to be regardless. I’ve also come in to the belief that The Universe was not punishing me for making mistakes by reconstructing my life. It was gifting me the space for what is really meant for me to come in. Things that are miraculous, and often beyond what I could ever imagine for my self. It really, really loves me.
In the same conversation where my dad talked about commitment and decisions, he told me that making decisions can be energizing. That making a decision leading you in a certain direction does not mean you’re abandoning everything else you want to do and be. It does not mean you are abandoning other commitments. In some ways, a decision can actually allow for more capacity in your life for what you actually want to be and do. More commitments! Dreams! Possibilities! That sometimes choosing something actually keeps you open to all other timelines and potentials. It energizes you merely by meeting needs you need met now. It releases the grasps on our other desires, freeing them from the shackles of expectation or desperation. It opens you to letting your other desires enter your life how they want, in miraculous ways that inevitably surprise you.
For the last few days, I just keep telling my self that decisions merely put you on a path. They create movement. They’re all right simply because I’m deciding to move closer toward my commitments. That they assist me in building self trust, brick by brick; an integral architect in the creation of my life.
Tallyho,
Jenny