This Must Be The Place
nothing is out of place
Painting the Picture
I need you to know as a Field Notes subscriber that when you do not receive a newsletter from me for weeks at a time, it is because I have been hiding. I am deep in a spiral of shame and fear and to be seen in that goes against an identity I created for my self long ago. The identity that says I am strong, I have it all figured it, I have my shit together, and I don’t need any help from anyone. The identity that allowed me to survive years of chaos and emotional turbulence in the home I grew up in, as well as in my former marriage. Perhaps even beyond.
It has taken long talks with several close friends, my therapist, my dad, and my own undying, unconditionally loving spirit pulling me out of the trenches to show up here today. That sounds kind of dramatic, but it’s the truth. And if there is anything I’m getting a crash course in right now it’s that we have to let the truth be what it is. We have to let it be what it is.
As a writer whose writing style is part memoir, part photo journalism, part data collection in my research of the human experience, most of my work is based on my own life. I made a commitment to my self in creating this writing project to show up weekly in it with a piece of work/art that displays my findings. I have not remained consistent in that commitment the more vulnerable it becomes. A pattern I am now questioning where else it may show up for me in more than just this newsletter writing space.
My most recent spiral put me in a place mentally, emotionally, and even physically I’ve never been, even in comparison to my dark night of the soul awakening after my divorce. There is copious amounts of information about that on the internet so if you’d like to know more I encourage you to Google it. But what I can say is that it was a long period of time where I experienced sudden suicidal ideation, energetic sensitivity, depression, anxiety, incredibly persistent emotional purging, waking up to my psychic gifts, and other endless symptoms that left me quite isolated for some time.
But even in the initiation of a dark night awakening, a massive identity and paradigm shift, I had hope. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Despite all of the voices telling me I should just kill my self, despite all of the visions I saw of me hanging from the shower curtain rod or driving my car off of a bridge, it wasn’t actually what I wanted. There was never one ounce of me that thought I’d give in. I knew I’d just never ever ever ever give up on my self. And I never did.
I’m beyond all of that now and have been for some time. But in the events that have unfolded over the last couple of years, particularly in the last few months, I’ve sunken into a place of despair. After a difficult break up and closing my first coaching business, I was laid off from a well-known outdoor sandal company in June due to unusually low sales and since have not been able to find work. I’ve applied to office jobs, pizza shops, restaurants, grocery stores, coffee shops, remote work, full time work, and part time work. I’ve reached out to random people on Linked In, I’ve had Zoom meetings with CEO’s I’ve never met, I’ve walked up to people at events to introduce my self to make connections because you just never know what may come of it, and as someone who has always been good at building relationships I’ll truly talk to anybody. In the meantime I was collecting unemployment benefits and food assistance.
Then an opportunity to move to a small lake town in Northern Michigan, something I’d dreamed of for most of my life, presented itself and I said yes. The night of arrival, late in the evening this past Labor Day, I collided with a deer ten minutes from my new house and totaled my car. I went two months without a vehicle. I waited for the Universe to drop a car in my lap somehow as the relationships with some of the family members who could’ve helped me were in a state of healthy repair and not in a place that I felt comfortable asking for help. I was fortunate to be in a very small town where I truly had everything I needed, and a roommate who was more than willing to drive me to the neighboring town for grocery needs.
Truth be told I’m an avid cyclist, but I biked hundreds and hundreds of miles those two months. In some ways, it was liberating. In other ways, I felt trapped. Most of the time, I think I was merely trying to ride away from my circumstance.
After two months, I finally revealed to my mom in one of our monthly check ins what happened to my car and with almost no hesitation at all, she offered to lend me money for a vehicle. I wasn’t surprised by her gesture, but it was eye opening. To receive generosity so unconditionally, despite the condition of our relationship in repair. She said she knew I’d never ask her for help.
“I don’t mean to sound flippant Jenny, but you can’t always just wait for the Universe” she said.
”But mom, you are the Universe” I responded. I’m not sure she agreed with me but she does have a good point. It’s not always wise to sit around waiting on the Universe. To be in healthy relationship, both parties have to meet each other where they need to be met and no matter how much I believe in magic and miracles and god/the Universe, I too have to show up. I have to do something. The problem was, at this point? I didn’t know what that something was.
Last week my unemployment benefits ended. I had no job prospects and no income. In a moment of defeat, frustration, and exhaustion, I sat with my roommate and cried. She said things that I desperately needed to hear. That I’ve done everything right and nothing wrong and that it’s wild that a job hasn’t landed for me yet. She also got really real with me.
“All you ever talk about is your new coaching and akashic record reading business, but you don’t actually do anything about or with it. It seems to have fallen by the wayside. What happened?”
Facing My Fears
"It is truth that liberates, not your effort to be free." Jiddu Krishnamurti
I believe so deeply in truth. It is one of the pillars that makes up my values system. And while truth is not always easy, it’s absolutely necessary. When my roommate asked me about my business, in the moment of not knowing what else to do, it became clear what my next step was. I had to be honest with my self for once. Honest with my roommate. And the truth is that I’m terrified.
Like I said previously, I am someone who has always prided her self as a strong person who doesn’t need help. It’s a funny thing though because over the years I’ve grown to be someone who believes that we all need each other and are here for each other. That our truest purpose on this planet is to tell the truth of who we are and help others to do the same. Yet I’ve maintained this persona of having it all together and not needing help to maintain a false sense of safety. To soothe a past version of me who is still operating as if she is still living in her childhood home, experiencing trauma, not feeling safe relying on other people.
I told my roommate that I’m scared of putting time and effort toward another business. Even though I closed my first business under very valid circumstances that included it not feeling in alignment anymore and quite frankly just needing a break from entrepreneurship due to a breakup and a pandemic, it felt like a massive failure. And even though my heart recognizes the truth of the matter, my brain still does not.
I explored this in a deeper sense with my therapist a couple of days ago. As it turns out, my feelings of failure extend well beyond business ownership. I felt like a failure generally as a human being. As a person who wants to contribute to society. In the eyes of my parents. In comparison to my friends. I’m no where near where I thought I’d be as a 36 year old. It is one of my biggest insecurities to feel like I can not support my self, financially or otherwise.
My fear only perpetuates these feelings. It’s paralyzing at times. And while my fear is very much around being an entrepreneur again, it’s also about who I have to be to be said entrepreneur and simply put, the only thing I have to be is my self.
It is humbling to reveal a lot of this to my self. To you. Especially because I had a reputation with my first business. It was thriving and profitable. People called me a risk taker, brave, tenacious, vulnerable. I helped hundreds, if not thousands of people, since 2010 drastically change their lives with subtle shifts. I read the Testimonials page on my website and at times couldn’t believe in all that past clients had to say about their work with me. I am a powerful mirror. I know how to ask the right questions. I put people on a path.
I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but also I kind of do. Toot toot.
I’ve really allowed my external circumstance to determine my worth. I am back in Grand Rapids for Thanksgiving, staying with my old roommate. She asked if she could share an observation with me and when I granted her permission, she said I felt so small in comparison to the Jenny that moved out in September. She even said it feels like I’m hiding right in front of her.
I told her I’m scared of my gifts. As I grow in to a better coach and consultant, as my channeling gifts deepen as an Akashic Record reader, I’m afraid of where that will take me. Of what will happen. I’m afraid that as I continue to walk through the door of authenticity, I’ll be abandoned as that was what was modeled to me growing up. Because of past abandonment, I fight who I am in order to preserve connection. But in fighting so hard to not be abandoned, I am in turn actually abandoning my self.
It is a tough pill to swallow to admit that you are in resistance to your own dreams, that your life is in the state it is in, because of how deeply you fear your self. How deeply you fear life. Your gifts. The things you love. On the contrary, admitting what feels like my biggest weakness feels oddly liberating. Every time I am exposed of my hiding I feel more free to take the next right action. I can move past the wall of limitation I was previously hidden behind.
BECAUSE WHAT IF IT ALL WORKS OUT?
At the end of my session with my therapist, she asked me what I am going to do with all of this knew knowledge of my self. My answer came easily to me.
1. Forgive my self, over and over and over.
2. Continue to apply to jobs.
3. Recommit to my newsletter every week.
4. Start batching content I love for my business social media. Show up in it every day.
5. Stay connected to the people that love me. DO NOT HIDE.
6. Drink water.
7. Eat well.
8. Put one foot in front of the other, and just do that enough times.
My last newsletter was about how making decisions puts you on a path. I shared what my dad shared with me; that we have to commit to something before we ever make decisions about it. Developing Field Work and Field Notes is a commitment, and I get to make the decision over and over and over again to show up in it. Choosing it, choosing my self and not abandoning me, is an infinite process. A decision made repeatedly. A moment to moment choice. A practice.
And, as I was once referred to before, I am brave. It is incredibly brave to keep going when all you want to do is give up. It is beyond brave to open another business after closing your first one. It is brave to take another chance on your self. It is brave to show up day in and day out in a capitalistic society when capitalism isn’t quite working for you. It is brave to tell the truth. It is brave to choose love and worth over fear. It is brave.
May we all continue to choose ourselves. Over and over and over again. One foot in front of the other, and just do that enough times.
Tallyho,
Jenny
p.s. It would be remiss of me if I didn’t acknowledge that sometimes the right song can be therapy. David Byrne has been a companion for me in this season of my life and the songs I’ve included below have been on repeat for weeks and weeks. He has an incredible way of capturing the most profound concepts of the human condition in the most simple of word combinations and I truly believe he is genius. Please enjoy.