Unemployed Magic Wrangler
and other shit that doesn't fit on a resume
I quit my job at Chaco in January to go in search of magic. I’ve written about that extensively so I won’t dive super heavily into it here. I was even a guest on two different podcasts where I got to talk extensively about the experience, what lead to the decision, what magic means to me, and more.
A holistic coach turned sandal repair lady turned unemployed magic wrangler.
I guess that makes for a good story if you like that sort of thing.
But then I ran out of money, as unemployed people sometimes do, and went back to Chaco in April only to then be laid off in June because sales were usually low in their busiest season of the year.
So I’m back to being an unemployed person who is now living off of assistance from a government who is trying to limit the freedoms of intimate aspects of my personhood.
As a friend recently reminded me, I’ve always been good at seeing life as both/and. At holding multiple truths. Of course I believe the vantage points are infinite, I’m a Libra; the way the stars aligned when I was born, and my complex trauma and healing, say that I literally can’t help it.
So the government is simultaneously supporting me and regulating me. It is not a paradox I expected to find my self. But alas, I am here.
I haven’t been unemployed since before I began working when I was 16. I’ve never been on government assistance. Actually, that’s not true. I collected unemployment at the beginning of the pandemic. For some reason though, it feels like that doesn’t count.
But as a self proclaimed researcher of the human condition, this is apparently where I’m to be doing my field work right now.
And I have to say that this feels like rock bottom. I mean, I’ve been divorced and never experienced a season of life like this. Though that time and space had nuances all its own.
But it’s been hard. For reasons you could imagine, and ones that are incredibly personal and relevant to my own wounding around safety, money, and self sufficiency.
And yet…this whole experience has been full of magic. Wonderment. Charm.
When I was traveling the southwest before the pandemic, I opened an account with Rover thinking that while I continued to work virtually with clients I’d also house and pet sit my way around the desert. But then the pandemic happened and I headed back to Michigan where I’ve been ever since.
A couple of weeks ago, I received a ping on Rover. Someone had requested my services in Traverse City for house/pet sitting for nine days. I didn’t even know I was still registered with the site, and I have no idea how my location services were set to Traverse City considering the last placed I used it was in Santa Fe, NM.
I’d been applying to 10-20 jobs every week with barely even a rejection letter and, as unemployment insurance still hadn’t kicked in, I had no idea how I was going to pay for pretty much anything.
I’m writing to you now from the home I am sitting while the owners are away on an Alaskan cruise. While they’re whale watching, I’m hanging out with their pets. I’m getting paid to be in my favorite place in the world (Northern Michigan) and to hike and ride my bike and look for rocks on my favorite beaches and eat a ludicrous amount of Moomers homemade ice cream.
I’ve really felt like I’ve been in hiding the last several months. Perhaps it’s the shame that’s often accompanied my money story, and my current financial situation. Perhaps it’s because I know that people have preconceived notions about people who rely on government assistance and I wanted to protect my self from the possibility of judgement. I don’t ever want to be perceived as incapable, weak, lazy, or lost. I don’t like what government assistance says about me, which just tells me I have/had a lot of rewriting to do around what it means to me to take advantage of a system that is there waiting for me when I need it. A system I have long touted as one that doesn’t work, but is now working for me.
Perhaps it’s just not wanting to be seen as the goo that I am in the chrysalis of the reconstruction of my life.
I have to remind my self often that how I do one thing is how I do everything. Everything is connected. So when I hide from others, I hide from my self. I hide from the Universe. From my guides. In cutting my self off from one thing, I cut my self off from all the things. I feed the narrative that I’m alone and incapable and stuck and that there are infinite things that I “need to figure out” and if I’m not figuring it out then I must be doing something wrong.
“What if you’re not doing anything wrong, Jenny?” My therapist always knows to ask me the right questions. The ones that offer me a simple reframe of perspective, an opportunity to exist in an old space in a new way.
And honestly if I’m NOT doing anything wrong, then it kind of lets me off the hook. I don’t need to hide until I have all of the perfect circumstances that showcase that I did it. That I cracked the code. Life is not a performance. It’s a moment. All of it is encapsulated in one moment. And if I’m not doing it wrong, and there is nothing for me to figure out, then how do I actually want to exist in that ever-evolving moment? How do I want it to feel? What if every moment, no matter how I perceive it good or bad or otherwise, was right purely because it is leading me to the next one, closer and closer to where I want to be?
It never ceases to amaze me when I realize the caliber to which I am able to construct my own beliefs about my reality and what I want it to look like.
It’s all magic.
Which is funny, because like I said, I quit my job earlier this year “in search of magic”. But when I was showering the other day, in the house that appeared out of no where that I’m being paid to occupy for nine days in my favorite place, I heard loud and clear “the magic is already here. It’s all around you. You could reach out and grab it if you wanted to. You could reach out and grab it if you wanted to.”
If you ever feel like you’re waiting on life, consider that life might be waiting on you.
There are so many things we to which we give our power away. Fear, money, lack. There are so many things we allow to get in our own way. I never needed to quit my job and go on some expedition like Lewis and Clark to “find” magic. For God’s sake, I’m in one of the lowest points of my life if you were to look at it on paper, and yet abundance and magic and love are flowing. I feel tremendously expansive. My connections and relationships are thriving. I’m being shown just how loved and supported I am not only from my people but also from the Universe and my guides. Affirmation of the message I receive all the time: trust what you can’t see.
This time and space is reminding me that the death of an illusion is a gift. That anything is possible. That even when we feel like we don’t have what we want, we are always given what we need. And that that doesn’t mean we don’t deserve what we want, it just means we’re still on our way there. That opportunity abounds if we can open our heart to our needs being met and our dreams coming true via avenues we can’t even conceive for our self. That where ever we go, there we are and if we are still somewhere we thought we’d surpass by now, it’s helpful to remember that every moment is the right one and there’s still something there for us if we can allow ourselves to open up just a little bit more to it.
In a time where it seems I don’t have anything, I actually have everything. That is magic. It’s already here. It’s already happening. You just have to reach out and grab it.
Tally ho, friends. We’re in this together.
Jenny
If you’d like to further support me during this time monetarily, click here. I’m very grateful.