you could let it all go, you could let it all go

it's called: freefall

Things I’ve Learned Since Quitting My Job:

1. I’ve always been free.
   I remember very distinctly having a thought after I put in my two week notice last week that now I’m free. That now that I have a definitive end point to this professional relationship, now that I am no longer committed to this particular employment, now that I will no longer be under the guise of a corporate system that I absolutely do not fit in to, I finally have the freedom I have for so long been seeking.
   
   What I realized almost immediately after that thought though, like an epiphanic wave running through me, was that I was always free. I had just built my own walls that kept me there that were made out of old belief systems that were living in me. Beliefs that informed my decision to stay. Beliefs that limited my capability to walk away. Deconstructing these beliefs has been an incredible reinforcement to the idea that we create our own realities. That we create and destroy worlds in the snap of a finger based on a thought, a belief system, an idea.
   
   The difference between me feeling free and feeling not free was just my belief about what freedom meant. Shifting that changed everything.
    

2. Free falling is a thrilling experience. 
   I’ve metaphorically jumped off of cliffs before. I’ve burned my life to the ground on more than one occasion and started all over again. I’ve done things that didn’t seem logical or rational. Things that seemed crazy, reckless, absurd. But never as the person I am today. Never with THIS nervous system state. Never with the deep sense of trust I have, the sense of safety I feel, the sense of stability and groundedness and clarity of mind. Never with the relationship I have with my intuition, my heart, and the universe. Never with the beliefs I have around magic, infinite possibility, and potential. Never with this unadulterated willingness to surrender.
   

   “Scratch, kick, let gravity win like
   Fuck this, let gravity win like
   You could leave it all behind
   Even the Devil needs time alone sometimes
   You could let it all go, you could let it all go
   It's called: freefall
   It's called: freefall”
   
   And that’s not to say that all of my previous cliff dives didn’t work out - they did. They all led me here and taught me, through the experience of them whether they were a “success” or a “failure”, whatever I needed to prepare me for this season of my life. Whatever I needed to bring forth this time around.
   
   This time around; the time that I have the capacity to really be with the unknown. To find excitement in the not knowing. To find joy and hope and peace in the wide open expanse of liminality. To be in awe of the void. To feel at home there. To meet my self there fully. To cry in bliss and relief because it feels like such a full circle moment to rejoice in this space rather than be in a deep grieving process through it. Miracles real. Miracles are real. Miracles are real. Miracles are real.
   
   

3. People have a hard time understanding not Doing, and are ravenous for their own experience of Being.
   Almost unanimously, the first thing people say to me when they find out is “what are you going to do?” The second thing they said is “I wish I could do that.” To which my response has categorically been “rest” to the former and “you can” to the latter.
   
   A couple of weeks ago I reconnected with a former client/friend via email….actually, through this newsletter….and she asked me “who are you being?” She didn’t ask me what I was up to or what I’ve been doing. She asked me about my state of being. It was refreshing. We have become such machines, always trying to figure out what we’re supposed to do. Finding worth in our ability to produce. It’s exhausting.
   
   And truly, I don’t know what I’m going to “do”. I know that I am going to spend a lot of time being. Resting. Giving my self lots of space. Listening. Meditating. Writing. Playing. Shifting my belief that energy is my primary resource over money.
   
   And when it is time “do” something, I trust that I will know.

4. Presence is spacious.
   
   Letting go of this job, leaving the paradigm it exists in, unraveling the limiting belief systems I associated with it, and all of the other things that I don’t even think have come to light for me yet, have given me a lot of space to really inhabit presence. I really feel my self gather here. There is so much less noise. I even wrote in my journal the other day that “everything is more quiet but I’m hearing bigger, in a way. The silence is more expansive, my range and capacity for listening has grown.”

   
   Somehow choosing my self in turn allowed me to choose to be here. In presence, on this Earth, in this experience, during this moment in time. I hold the belief that my soul chose to come here and call home my body. But I’ve had to, as the human being my soul inhabits/contains, choose over and over again to stay.
   

5. It’s ok to be messy, experimental, and all over the place. It’s how I learn. It’s how I grow. I am a Generator in Human Design after all.

I’m very grateful.
Tallyho.
<3 Jenny